


Haikyuu!! Next Generation: Theft

by crapso



Series: Haikyuu!! Next Generation [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Family Issues, Family Loss, Father-Son Relationship, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Hospitals, M/M, dead bodies, morgues, possibly trigger, they literally steal a body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 19:58:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4317900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crapso/pseuds/crapso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, what?” Shouyou scoffed, “What’s your plan? To go to the hospital ourselves, drive over there in disguises or some bullshit, and steal the body so we can go cremate it ourselves?”<br/>He laughed, looking up at his husband, his smile fading and eyes widening as Tobio slowly turned his head to look at him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haikyuu!! Next Generation: Theft

**Author's Note:**

> lol, omg, I really regret writing this one. I got this idea in my head and couldn't get it out, had to type it down as quickly and as slowly as possible, I'm so sorry it's so morbid and crazy.  
> this one's a little different, since I broke the rules and couldn't resist including kagehina as characters in this one, sorry, Noranb. thank you for your permission to use your lovely characters once again.  
>  **[her lovechild tag](http://noranb-artstuffs.tumblr.com/tagged/hq-lovechild)**  
>  **[her art tag](http://noranb-artstuffs.tumblr.com/tagged/mine)**

“Hi, we’re here for Kageyama? Eishi?” Tobio stood at the hospital desk and leaned on it while the nurse across it nodded.

“Yeah, he’s right in there.” She pointed down the hall and to the left at a room, “You all immediate family?”

“Unfortunately.” Aki grunted behind his father, who twisted to flick a dangerous glare at him before turning back to the nurse, pointing to his family members, his husband, Shouyou standing with his hands on their daughter’s shoulders.

“Yes, I’m his son, that’s my husband and those are my kids.”

“Alright,” She began writing on a clipboard, “visiting hours are until 7, and we recommend you keep the patient in his room, and the conversation light.” She lowered her voice, “He’s been irritable lately, and not listening to any personal advice we’re giving him on how to stay comfortable. How long has he had dementia?”

“I want to say… 16 years? Since Aki was born.” Tobio sighed, “Irritable is good for him. How… how is he-?”

“He’s not feeling any better.” She said softly, only so he could be heard, “I _would_ recommend looking around for hospices but it’s too late to transfer him, his levels need to be moderated until the end. The best thing we can do right now is keep him comfortable and safe.”

“Hospices wouldn’t be good for him anyways.” Tobio said quietly, “He’s not very religious and hates choir singers, tried to punch one Christmas Eve of 1979 in the face because he kept singing Lead Me Lord too loudly right next to his pew.” He breathed deeply and rubbed his eyes, “How soon?”

“Very soon.”

“Ballpark?”

“Call the funeral home and order the flowers soon.”

Tobio stared at her before nodding sadly, “Alright, yeah.” He turned to his family who didn’t hear any part of the conversation and started leading them towards the room, “Let’s go.” His husband offered him a small smile and rubbed his shoulder, all heading towards the room, Aki getting distracted by an old man fast asleep in his wheelchair leaned against the wall.

“Get away from him, Aki. Aki! Aki, don’t touch him.”

They all loaded into the hospital room, peering around, finding the sheets distraught and bed empty. Tobio stood in the middle of the room.

“Dad?” He noticed the IV on wheels, the long, plastic chord leading from it to the door crack of the bathroom. Tobio slid open the door and they all peered in, finding the old man standing naked in the bathroom with his gown lying haphazardly on the floor. They all leaned back and shut their eyes, yelling out “WHOA!” as they looked away desperately, Akane squeaking and covering her face.

“Okay- Oh, god.” Aki rubbed his eyes, his orange haired father next to him going, “That’s not an image I want to see at ten in the morning.”

“Or any time of the day.”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Tobio popped an eye open, “Dad, where are your pants.”

“That pale-skinned, German bitch at the desk stole my change of clothes!” He snapped angrily, “Now I have to wear this dress like a fucking woman.”

“She wasn’t German, Dad, and that’s not a dress- okay, let’s just- let’s get some clothes on you.” Tobio wheeled the IV in with them to the room and closed the door behind him to dress his father, as the rest of his family sighed and sat down, waiting for them. The door eventually slid back open and Tobio and his father wheeled back out, his father grumbling complaints.

“Got this fucking, useless thing attached to me, can’t rip it off! As if I’m some kind of- Star Trek droid.”

“You can’t rip it off, Dad, you need it to live.” Tobio said, carefully sitting him down, “And they never had droids on Star Trek.”

“What?” His father said loudly, fidgeting in his chair, “They had droids on that show you used to watch when you were a kid.”

“No, that was Star Wars.”

“What?”

Tobio repeated it louder, “STAR WA- okay, never mind, do you want something to eat or drink, Dad?”

“God, no.” He snapped, “All they serve here is plastic bullshit with sauce on it, I had better food in the Navy than the crap they serve here.”

Tobio frowned, “Dad, you were never in the Navy.”

“What do you mean I wasn’t even in the Navy?!” He exclaimed, “Bull shit- Tobio, how dare you-”

“Alright, okay, sorry!” He said quickly, “Sorry then, it must have been my mistake.”

“German probably tried to poison me anyways.” He snapped, “Who let Germans be in charge in hospitals? What the hell is this bullshit- do they know that hospitals are places of wellbeing and health- and have tons of technology? Never put a German in charge of something that could shock you, gas you, or-”

“Dad, Dad, Dad, stop, come on.” Tobio said, “That lady was literally not even German.”

“I don’t care if she’s quarter Japanese- 99.9% Japanese- she has a drop of German blood in her, she’s garbage.”

“Oh my god,” Tobio covered his face, “you always take it too far.”

Aki watched and smiled in childish amusement as his grandfather yelled, “What’s too far?” until he started to yell, “Where are my grandkids?” and then his smile was quickly disappearing.

“Akane’s here!” Shouyou said quickly, guiding his daughter over who smiled and took her grandfather’s hands, bending down to kiss him on the cheek.

“Ah, Akane. My sweet, steady flower.”

“Hi, Pop-Pop.”

“So beautiful.” He smiled and held her face as she sat in the chair across him, holding his hand, “You’re such a strong, firm girl. Just like your grandmother’s breasts.” Her smile faded and was replaced with a disgusted face matching her father’s next to her, and she let out a small, “Oh, gross.”

“You look so much like your father… if only you had the black hair to match. Had to get orange… like the fruitcake of your other father, and your pathetic excuse of a brother stole those lovely, black-haired genes.” He turned to Aki and snapped at him, “You stole them!” Aki jerked back in fear and frowned, Shouyou smiling and perking an amused eyebrow up at him until he flinched at the sound of his father in law’s voice.

“And, you.”

“Hi, Eishi.”

“Wife with balls and a penis.” He turned to Tobio, “You two haven’t divorced yet?”

“No, Dad. We haven’t… god.” He sighed and pressed his fingers to his eyes, “We haven’t divorced yet.”

“You ask that literally every time.” Shouyou said.

“And with reason!” He growled, “Took my son away… the only good thing you managed to make of your life was that beautiful girl right there!” He pointed to Akane who smiled with satisfaction and stuck a tongue up at her brother who made a face back.

“Definitely not that human mistake standing next to you.” He spat at Aki, his son sighing.

“Dad, be nice.”

“For what?! To please these two cock-guzzling bimbos?” He waved up to Aki and Shouyou, standing side-by-side with extremely annoyed looks on their faces. Akane giggled quietly into her hand.

“Cock-guzzling.”

“Shut up, Akane, the only reason he likes you is because you’re the most like Dad.” Aki snapped. His grandfather snorted.

“That and the fact that she’s ten times stronger and smarter than you, kid. You’re too much like your ginger, cock-chugging father. God, you were such an accident.” He glared at him, “You should go to those pro-choice rallies, you’d be the best argument there for them.”

“Oh.” Aki turned around, “My god.”

“Dad, please don’t talk to my son like that.”

“Um, Aki let’s get you a coffee or something. Come on, buddy.” Shouyou took his shoulder and led him out of the room, patting him with comfort as Aki growled and grabbed at the air.

“I just wanna-” He made strangling movements, “-wanna- wanna-”

“I know, I know.” His father sighed and rubbed his back, “I’ve never been more tempted to pull a plug before in my life.”

“Right?” He turned to him, “Is that what Dad’s going to be like when he’s old?”

“No, no, well… at least not yet. He still has a good twenty years of civility and sound mind left in him.” Shouyou clapped his back, “Alright, what do you want in your coffee.”

Aki sighed tiredly, “Three creams, five sugars. Don’t get one for Akane or Dad.”

“I don’t plan to.” Shouyou went down the hallways towards the cafeteria and Aki leaned against the wall before heading over to the chairs in the waiting room and sliding into one. He looked down next to him at a little girl sitting in a chair, wearing a hospital gown and holding a lollipop in her lap, kicking her feet against the chair. Aki looked down at the lollipop.

“You gonna eat that?”

She looked up and shook her head, handing him the lollipop. He unwrapped it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Thanks.” He sucked on it for a while as they sat in silence, and then eventually looked down, “So, what are you in for?”

 

“Dad… you know why you’re in here, right?”

“What?” His father asked, now lying down in bed as he flipped through the channels on the small TV in the corner of the room, Akane sitting in the chair next to his bed as she looked through a magazine.

“You know, what happened to MASH?” He asked, “They cancelled it, didn’t they. Of course they did, fucking television companies don’t know how to do anything these days, do they. And what the fuck is an HBO?”

“Dad, come on.” Tobio took the remote from him, “Do you remember what the doctor said?”

“Some bullshit, medical nonsense, who cares?” He said, “Doctors come up with a new vocabulary of words you can’t understand every year so they can suck more money out of hard working, middle-class families.”

“You have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, Dad.”

“Exactly my point—who even know what that means?”

“Akane, sweetie?” Akane looked up and her father jerked his head for a hint that she needs to leave, “Find your brother, get him a hot dog or something.”

“Oh, yeah,” Tobio’s father chuckled, “your brother would love that. Make sure you get him a big enough one.”

“ _Dad_.”

Akane kissed her grandfather with a quiet, “Bye, Pop-Pop.” Before quickly leaving the room and closing the door behind him. Tobio’s father reached for the remote but Tobio got there first, grabbing it.

“You wanna know what those big words mean?”

“Tobio, I want to watch my show.”

“They mean you’re dying, Dad.” He looked sadly at him in silence until his father chuckled again.

“I see you’ve finally developed your sense of humour, took you forty years.”

“This isn’t a joke, Dad!” Tobio put the remote down and moved his chair closer, “Your liver's failed.”

“Don’t let those doctors fool you, son, us Kageyamas are resilient—bounce back like Japanese soldiers!”

“Dad.” Tobio said firmly, “You have a son and two grandkids who love you right now, and you’re treating this whole situation like a bit.”

“The other kid doesn’t love me.” He shook his head, staring at the black TV screen, “Don’t pretend like he does.”

“Yeah,” Tobio laughed, “and I wonder why? You treat him like shit, you’ve never even taken the time to get to know Aki.”

“Didn’t have to, second he opened his eyes in the hospital and I saw they weren’t blue like yours and devil orange like your wife’s, I knew he wouldn’t be worth my time. He’s too much like him.” He waved his hand and mumbled, “Whatever his name is, the other one.”

“My husband of twenty-four years? Dad, come on. You smoked yourself out for years, is this the lasting impression you want to leave with your grandkids and son-in-law? The least you could do is give them a good person to remember, for even one second.”

His father turned to smile at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling and he took his son’s hand.

“You’ve always been a good one, little Tobi. Don’t let my death go in vain.” His son bent his head down on top of their joined hands, letting out a small, sad, “Poppa.”

* * *

_Six Days Later_

_“If you want my future, forget my past~ If you wanna get with me, better make it fast!”_ Aki stood shirtless in front of his bedroom mirror, moving around in seductive movements to the song playing on his stereo, grabbing his stomach and moving the bellybutton as a mouth, singing in time to the music.

_“So, here’s the story from A-Z, you wanna get with me, ya gotta listen careful-”_

**Knock knock knock.**

“Shit- Dad!” He said, quickly grabbing his shirt and throwing it back on, “I told you, I’m studying!”

“It’s me.” Akane’s voice, sounding slightly heavy and sad came from the other side of the door and Aki sighed before turning off the music and going over to answer it. He looked down at his sister, his face softening when he saw her's was covered with tears, her eyes glossy as more welled up.

“Hey…”

“P-” She blurted out, “Pop-Pop died!” She immediately dived into his arms for comfort, bawling into his chest as she wrapped her arms around him and he stared down in shock.

“Oh.” He said, dumbly, and then slowly wound his arms back around her in comfort, stroking her hair as she sobbed into his chest, and he tried to hush her, before looking up at the ceiling and smiling, mouthing, “Thank you, thank you.”

* * *

“How is he?” Aki asked, sitting on a stool next to his kitchen counter with his dinner while his orange-haired father came walking back into the kitchen, carrying a full plate of food.

“Won’t eat a bite.” He sighed, setting it down on the counter and throwing the dishtowel over his shoulder, leaning against the counter with his arms folded. They both looked into the living room where Tobio was sitting on the couch, face buried in his hands as his daughter sat next to him and rubbed his shoulder, talking to him in a low voice.

“The body is still at the hospital… apparently they’re looking at his records,” Shouyou said, “trying to see if he was a donor before they hand him over to the morgue.”

“Pop-Pop being a donor?” Aki snorted, “Doubt it. That man didn’t have a generous bone in his body.”

“Aki, shut up.” Shouyou hissed, “Have some respect…” There was a few seconds of silence, both not looking at each other, until they did and then they were giggling, bursting into little fits of happy laughter and they both leaned in, trying to keep their laughter down.

“Respect!” Shouyou giggled. Aki laughed back, barely getting the words out.

“Resp-e-ect! Oh my god!” He wiped his eyes, “I can’t breathe. Good one, Dad.”

“Okay, give me high, give me some!” Shouyou offered a hand up high and Aki slapped it. “Okay, now give me low.” _Slap_. “Okay, now from behind.” Shouyou brought a hand around from behind his waist and Aki slapped it. “One more, look at the elbows. Elbows.” They failed that one, both hitting each other in the faces but Shouyou shrugged.

“We’ll get it next time, buddy.”

In a few minutes they were dancing around the kitchen in their socks, jumping around in a circle while they sang in low, elated voices.

“Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is deaaaa-”

“Um, excuse me?”

They both stumbled to a halt, quickly standing up straight at Akane and Tobio standing at the kitchen entrance, glaring in shock with eyes both red and puffy from crying.

“Are you…” He whispered in shock, “are you _celebrating_ my dad’s-?”

“Nope.”

“No.” Aki quickly answered, “No-”

“Oh my god.” Tobio said in disbelief, “Unbelievable. You two- I can’t- God.” He stared at them, looking hurt, “My dad… died, you guys.” Shouyou and Aki looked in shock at him before guiltily speaking in low voices.

“I- we’re sorry.”

“Yeah, sorry, honey.”

“Sorry, Dad. Sorry for your loss.”

Tobio just shook his head, walking away looking wounded. Akane glared at them with wet eyes, hissing, “You two should be ashamed of yourselves.” before leaving. Shouyou and Aki stood in silence and exchanged guilty looks. 

* * *

“Alright… Now that we’re all situated.” The Hinata family lawyer read off his file as they all gathered around the dining table, sitting on chairs and Shouyou set down a tray of glasses of water. He sat down next to his daughter, hand stroking through her hair as she leaned a head on his shoulder and they all listened to the lawyer in politely mournful silence.

He folded his hands on the table in front of him, “First of all, let me say sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’re still all in shock at the current moment.”

“Thank you.” Tobio and Shouyou both said earnestly in unison, Tobio sending him a glare across the table and his husband flinched back.

“We have a lot to discuss, but with the kids here… we might as well get straight to the will.” He pulled out the piece of paper, his face changing as he looked at it, “Um, but out of respect of everyone present, I’ll try to skip over… the uh, inappropriate language used in it-”

“No, no,” Shouyou said calmly, “we’re heard it before, go ahead, please.”

The lawyer nodded before clearing his throat and reading, “I, Kageyama Eishi, being of sound and disposing mind-”

Shouyou snorted, “Hardly.”

“-do hereby make all following declarations and bequeaths to be my Last Will and Testament. To my one and only son, Kageyama Tobio, I leave my Cadillac, my gun collection and souvenirs from time served in the army and Navy, and any property withheld in my remaining, current residence.”

“That Cadillac was sold years ago, and there’s nothing left in that house except picture frames and Japanese flags.” Tobio sighed, “Also, he was-”

“Never in the Navy, I know, I looked at his records. There’s more,” The lawyer said, continuing, “I also leave him this piece of advice to follow him throughout the rest of his life: ‘You picked a pussy of a life partner, but me and your mother always loved you anyways. Stay smart and stay kind, little Tobio, you were always better at it than me. Never trust a German.’”

He paused and they all sat around in silence, glancing between each other and Akane shrugged, letting out a thoughtful, “Hm.” before the lawyer continued.

“To my lovely and strong granddaughter who’s only flaw is her last name… Hinata Akane,” Shouyou let out a ‘tch’ as the lawyer continued, “I leave my deceased spouse’s jewellery collection, all bright jewels, but none as bright as her. Hopefully she will uphold her grandmother’s legacy in the old soul she owns.” He delicately pulled out a soft, dark cloth, wrapped around several different pieces of jewellery and slid it over to Akane on the table who unfolded it with wide eyes, smiling.

“Wow. Pop-Pop…” She cooed happily, unwrapping each of the pieces. Aki stared at her judgementally.

“Um, old soul?” He said, “You choked so hard on your Lucky Charms this morning you almost puked.”

“Hush.” She said, clasping a pair of earrings to her chest, “You’re upsetting my old soul.”

“Apparently…” The lawyer said while looking down at the paper, “The ring with the rhinestone encrusted opals on it was worn by her on the night of an attack during World War II, while… ‘blowing a German general to distract him from giving orders to his troops’… she apparently spared many casualties.” They all looked in silence at the jewellery and Akane took the ring out and put it on her finger, holding it out and smiling.

“Huh. Nice!”

“Your grandmother was a whore.” Shouyou said, his husband speaking up next to him.

“Shou!”

“What?” He said, “I’m not speaking derogatorily, she was literally a whore.”

“No, she was a…” Tobio sighed, “An escort briefly during the 40’s, that’s it.”

Shouyou shrugged, “Just another fancy way of saying ‘whore’.”

“Well, I think it’s lovely!” Akane beamed, “Now she was a true solider.”

“To the unfortunate incident of my grandson, Hinata Akihiko,” The lawyer continued to read and Akihiko stood up straight in his chair with interest, “I leave my antique, Hampden pocket watch, 14k gold, circa 1880.” He pulled out a gold, smooth, round pocket watch, dangling on a rusted chain and written with small Roman numerals on its face. He slid it across the table and Aki eagerly took it, grinning with surprise.

“Wow…!” He said sincerely, and Tobio smiled at him.

“There, I told you he’d come through for you, buddy.”

“Uh, wait, sorry, there’s more…” Their lawyer cut in and held up a finger, looking apologetic and continuing to read the will, “The pocket watch is fake, crafted by an English conman during the time and literally worthless… just… just like Akihiko.”

Aki threw the watch on the table and swore, falling defeated back into his chair as the lawyer continued, “The watch symbolizes the lack of value in the meaning of Akihiko’s existence, the minutes ticking away on it symbolize each second he spends, breathing and… wasting the oxygen around him.” The lawyer cleared his throat and everyone looked pitifully up at Aki who was glaring hard down at the wooden table in front of him. His dark-haired father reached over and grabbed his shoulder, giving it a few comforting squeezes.

“Should I… keep going?” The lawyer asked cautiously, and Aki sniffed loudly, nodding. He continued, “And last, but also definitely least, to my… son stealing, cock-eating daughter in law, Hinata Shouyou,” Shouyou covered his forehead and shook his head, swearing under his breath, “The bastard… even in his death.”

“...Whose first name I had to look up before writing this will, I leave my jar in air, in hopes that his last dying breath will be shared in it, choking… himself to death.” He bent down to pull out the jar while Shouyou stared darkly at the piece of paper. His eyes widened when the lawyer set a large, glass jar down on the table.

“Wha- there’s actually a jar?!”

“What’s printed on the front?” Akane leaned across the table to look, the lawyer answering, “G… ‘Go fuck yourself’.” Aki chuckled for a moment while Tobio leaned over to peck Shouyou on the cheek in comfort.

“And I was feeling sorry for myself there for a second!”

“Shut up, Aki!” Shouyou snapped, sitting up straighter, “Is there anything else? Any money? What about the house- the nice house?!”

“All the money and residential property that your parents had was left in the responsibility of your father’s spouse, given that she survives her husband, but she didn’t. The problem, unfortunately, is that she had her own testament. One that outweighs your father’s in terms of legitimacy and one that states that if her spouse outlives her, at his death all property and money still owned will go to good will.”

“Goo…” Shouyou gaped, “Good will?!”

Tobio groaned, "God dammit, Mom!"

“The charity of her choice, but she left that up to you. In the end, the house will probably be used as a student residence… or maybe even left to the Salvation Army. You can always contest the will and sell the house yourself, but you’d be dealing with a living hell in terms of paper work and you’d have to testify in court. So,” He pulled out a piece of paper and began writing on it, “give me a call in the future of what charity you’d like to contribute to and we’ll get you a copy of-”

“OH, FUCK CHARITY!” Shouyou stood up and slapped the table, “TWENTY YEARS OF DEALING WITH THAT PIECE OF SHIT AND ALL I GET IS A GO-FUCK-YOURSELF-JAR AND THE CHARITY OF MY CHOICE?! HE- YOU-” He stopped, everyone staring up at him in shock with wide eyes and he spluttered before calming himself and then sitting down, embarrassed and quiet. Aki whispered.

“Shit, Dad, relax.”

“Yeah, Dad, god.”

“There’s… one more problem.” The lawyer said cautiously, “I called the hospital this morning for an update on the state of his records, and they shared a rather interesting discovery.”

“Dis- discovery?” Tobio leaned in with confusion, “I’m sorry I don’t understand, what do you mean by discovery.”

“Your father has an AB negative blood type.” He said calmly, “Now, I’m not sure if you know this but in medical terms that blood type is-”

“Very rare. Less than 1% of people on earth have it…” Aki said, finishing his sentence. Everyone at the table turned to him in surprise and he shrugged, “What? I paid attention in biology.”

“Yeah,” Akane laughed, “only _after_ you found out there’s a career called ‘vaginacologist’.”

“I still put it down as my future career goal.”

“You sure AB just doesn’t stand for Adult Baby?” Shouyou said, arms folded, “Because that’s what he was for years.” His husband next to him made a face.

“Uh, no.” The lawyer said, “The problem is, this is extremely promising for the hospital. Although he wasn’t listed as a donor, they are making a special request that you take witness on his account and make the gracious decision to donate his AB negative heart.” The family was silent until Tobio said, “What?”

“Although his body was in very poor condition when he deceased, his heart was surprisingly very strong and resilient. It was the one organ that seemed to outlive all the others.”

“No!” Tobio suddenly exclaimed, looking shocked, “No, no fucking way!”

“Tobio.” Shouyou said.

“No- nobody’s going to cut open my dad like a five-star restaurant steak- fuck that!”

“They can stitch him back up together after they’re done, keep his body intact so you can keep it if you guys plan an open-casket funeral.” The lawyer said, but Tobio kept shaking his head.

“Dad didn’t want that.”

“What are you talking about?” Shouyou said.

“There’s probably a little kid who needs that AB negative heart really badly.” Akane said sympathetically. Her father snapped at her.

“Well, fuck that kid! They’re not getting my dad’s.”

“Whoa!”

“Okay, let’s all just chill.” Aki said.

“Tobio, just tell us why.” Shouyou said.

“Dad wouldn’t have wanted that!” Tobio said, “There—just saying it, he told me not to let his death go in vain, so I’m not.”

“And you think he deserves that.”

“Yes! Partially… Shit, I think I deserve that closure at least.”

“You know,” The lawyer said, still reading the will, “He’s not technically wrong. Down here at the bottom, next to the expenses paid for his funeral, he leaves a personal note where he requests that his body not be scathed or touched, and instead cremated, burned up in ashes like-”

“Like the dreams, hopes and happiness of the Germans at the end World War II.” Tobio finished, “He always used to say that… and I won’t let that go in vain! You can’t burn a body without a heart, that’d be like burning an empty object.”

“Wow, Dad,” Aki chuckled, “that’s really _heartless_ of you-”

“Dammit- AKI!” His darker-haired father slammed a fist on the table, making everyone jump, “Can you just- not?!”

“Jeez, Dad.” Aki said quietly.

“Yeah, honey calm down.”

“I- I- I’m sorry, okay?” Tobio said desperately, “But I know that he would have wanted his heart, and he would have wanted his body cremated with it.” He looked at his family, pleading, “I made a promise to him, guys, please.” They all looked back at him sadly and Shouyou nodded.

“Okay. Fine.”

“That might not go over well with the hospital.” The lawyer said, “Hospitals have attorney departments, and they are out for that AB negative heart like a golden egg hunt.”

Tobio frowned, “Well, too bad they can’t have it.”

“But they might just take it.” He shrugged, “Despite you being immediate family you’re not under that much liability to make decisions on your father’s behalf. Especially considering there’s a specific patient they have their eye on in the hospital, needs an AB negative heart and is in serious condition—they moved her up the waiting list just for your father’s. Tobio,” He said seriously, “I’m sorry—I guess I shouldn’t have said the word ‘request’—they’re not asking for your permission, you know.”

The family sighed in defeat and leaned back in their chairs while the lawyer put away his paperwork. He stood up with his folder and nodded sympathetically at them, “I’ll call around for charities and a time you can move your father’s stuff from his house into yours. We’ll be in touch.”

“Thanks, Keni.”

“Thank you.”

The door closed behind him and Aki tapped on the table. Tobio turned to his husband, “They’re not getting that heart.”

“Well, it doesn’t sound like it’s your choice, Tobio.”

“I don’t care, they’re not getting it.”

“So, what?” Shouyou scoffed, “What’s your plan? To go to the hospital ourselves, drive over there in disguises or some bullshit, and steal the body so we can go cremate it ourselves?”

He laughed, looking up at his husband, his smile fading and eyes widening as Tobio slowly turned his head to look at him.

* * *

Shouyou peered around a corner of the hospital, watching his husband talk to the woman at the desk and he sighed nervously. He turned back around to his two kids, Aki standing holding a garbage bag, and Akane wheeling a hospital cart, wearing a candy-striper outfit.

“Kids,” Shouyou bent down and took their faces, looking earnestly at them, “you know me and your father love you very much, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna give us up?” Aki asked, his cheeks getting squeezed.

“No, not right now.” Shouyou said, “But you know that we love you, and support you, and would never do anything that could possibly get you in trouble with the law, right?”

“Um?”

“Is that a trick question.” Akane asked. Shouyou continued, ignoring her.

“But your father is a wreck right now and going through some things, and he deserves this, so we have to do it with him. We owe this to him, especially me and Aki.”

“Then why am _I_ the one in disguise?” Akane frowned.

“Because none of us look cute in a candy-striper outfit except you.” He pinched her cheek and then pushed her into the hallway, “Go get em’ tiger.”

“That is totally not true.” Aki said as they watched her wheel the cart and walk down the hallway in her red and white outfit, “I could totally pull that off-”

“Got the garbage bag?” Shouyou asked. Aki lifted it out of the bag he was holding.

“Yup!”

“Good. We’re gonna need an escape route, some place we can wheel a body through without getting noticed.”

“Don’t we all.”

Tobio walked back to them, looking distraught as he hissed, “I asked the nurse where his body has been moved, he’s not in his room anymore. Apparently they have a morgue, but she won’t tell me where, says it’s hospital policy since the body’s not open for discharge yet—he’s already signed up for surgery, those greedy vultures.”

“And that’s where Akane comes in…” Shouyou said, all three of them peeking behind the wall at Akane disappearing down the hall, “Aki? You ready to be decoy?”

“Anytime,” Aki cracked his knuckles, “just throw me on the court when you’re ready, Dad.”

“Alright,” Shouyou rubbed his shoulders, “I’ll be on look-out, and your dad will help transfer the body when it’s time.” He sighed, shaking his head, “I cannot believe I am doing this.”

“I can, I’m really proud of you.” Aki whispered back, “This is the coolest both of you have ever looked.”

“What are the odds of your dad having an AB negative heart.” Shouyou snarled to his husband behind him, “Can you believe that? I was surprised the lawyer wasn’t about to tell us that his heart was completely black with imprints of a goat on it.”

“What?” Aki said, “Why would Pop-Pop have a goat heart?”

“I know that he was never nice to any of you…” Tobio said cautiously, carefully choosing his words, and the other two spluttered.

“Never- never nice?”

“Is that really the choice of words you want to use?”

“But I’ll make it up to you two!” Tobio said, smiling a little, “I promise. Let’s just do this first.”

They all stood in silence, watching Akane talk to the woman at the desk, and Aki said out loud, “Wait, if Pop-Pop has a goat heart why are we even doing this in the first place.”

Shouyou sighed, “You never did pay attention in biology, did you.”

“I stopped after the reproductive unit.”

“Let’s just-” Tobio said quickly, “be there for Akane while she works her magic. The girl’s always been good at talking her way in and out of situations.”

 

Akane swooped in and heavily landed on the nurse’s desk, leaning her cheek on her fist and smiling down at her.

“Are those highlights real?”

The nurse paused and looked up, face deadpanned, “What?”

“Those highlights!” Akane grinned, “Are they real? Because they _look_ _real_.”

The nurse glared at her for a few seconds and Akane’s grin twitched painfully, and then she said angrily, “No. They’re not.”

“Oh, that’s cool!” Akane said, “They look… they look rea-”

“Can I help you?”

“Yes!” She smiled, “I’m volunteering today, obviously.” She waved down to her candy-striper outfit and the nurse made a face at her, “And I was hoping I could maybe get to the morgue? It’s on the ground floor, right? Usually that’s where they’re located in horror movies.”

“Sweetie,” The nurse looked back down at her papers, “I don’t care if you’re a girls’ scout or daughter of the prime minister of Japan, you’re not getting into that morgue.”

Akane stopped smiling, face twitching with anger, “Well, _sweetie_ ,” she snarled, “I need to. It’s part of my volunteering, I’m supposed to… uh, give them cheer.”

“Give them _cheer?”_

“Yeah! The- the-”

“The _dead_ _bodies?”_

“Uh, yeah?” Akane said, not breaking out of character, “Don’t judge them just because they’re dead—they deserve attention too! I’m part of a religious organization, I’m going to go bless them to make sure they get into heaven.” She shrugged, “Just to make sure they get there, can never be too safe. We do it for charity.”

“Ahuh?” The nurse stared up at her as if she had just been told a bad joke.

“Yes, ahuh!” Akane said quickly, “I- I have holy water even, look!” She bent down at her cart and pulled out a water bottle, thrusting it at the nurse. The nurse looked at it and made a face.

“This is just a regular bottle of water.”

“Duh!” Akane said, taking it back, “What do you think holy water is, _not_ regular water?” She shook it in her face, “But a priest blessed this himself! And here, I’ll bless it right now to prove to you-” She stood back, closing her eyes and holding the bottle steady in her hand as she hummed in a low voice.

“Oh, father,” She said, eyes closed, “please bless this special brand of Fiji water, in hopes that it cleanses the souls of those deceased, and brings their blessed spirits up to your gracious doors of heaven. Oh father, please chase away the bad spirits surrounding this water, and the bad vibes of a non-believer, surrounding this nurse’s desk,” She began to wave around the water in a swiping-away motion, eyes closed, humming loudly as she waved erratically with her hand.

“Be gone, bad energy,” She whispered, waving her arm like an octopus as she rocked her body and moved around, “be free, mean spirits…” The nurse stared at her as other people in the lobby did as well, many sending nervous glances. Her two fathers and Aki behind the wall squinted their eyes in disbelief, looking alarmed.

“Wha-” Aki whispered.

“What is she-?” Shouyou hissed as his husband jerked back in shock, “What is she- _doing?”_

“Kid- kid, do you mind?” The nurse held out a hand across the desk, “Can you stop that? Please stop that.” Akane stopped, putting the water bottle down as an older woman protectively guided her child away from Akane, glaring at her.

“Listen,” The nurse said, “I’d love to let you roam the hospital as you wish, but we can’t with volunteers, Taniko.”

Akane frowned, “What? What did you just call me?”

The nurse raised an eyebrow, “Taniko? The… name on your name tag?”

Akane’s eyes widened and she looked down at the name tag on the chest of her stolen outfit, and then looked up and laughed quickly, “Ah- yeah! Sorry, just got confused.”

“You got confused about your… name?” The nurse narrowed her eyes and leaned in, “Who’s your supervisor, Taniko.” Akane blinked and then swallowed nervously, letting out an “Um?” She sent a few glances to her family a few feet away, and they nodded back.

“Okay,” Shouyou whispered, “She’s bombing, go and get em’, Aki.” He pushed his son out into the hallway.

“My supervisor?” Akane laughed quietly, “That- that’s an interesting question,” She looked over at Aki walking towards her giving one nod, “my supervisor is, uh- 927 dash 8?” The nurse looked up, confused.

“Sorry?”

“What? Sorry, can you repeat the question?” She stuck out her foot behind her, right when Aki walked by and he tripped dramatically over it, flailing and landing on the tiled floor of the lobby with a loud, “Oomph!”

The nurse stood up and looked over her desk, “Oh my god-”

“HOLY SHIT!” Aki screamed, flailing on the ground and grabbing his own ankle, “OH MY GOD, THAT HURT SO BAD! I’M IN SO MUCH PAIN- HOLY GOD! I BROKE MY- FOOT!” He let out a long, groan of pain and looked up around him at the patients walking quickly away from him and nurses passing.

“S- seriously?!” He shrieked, “This is a hospital- YOU’RE ALL DOCTORS, DO SOMETHING!” Another nurse passed him, looking down at him for a second before quickly walking away and he screamed, “YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!”

“Are you okay?” The nurse came around the desk and helped pick him up.

“NO, I’M NOT OKAY!” He wailed, “I broke my leg, I could be dying! You’re all horrible at your job! We pay our tax dollars for this bullshit-” He whined as the nurse picked him up by his armpits and helped him into his chair. Akane looked quickly at the distracted nurse, and then leaned over into her desk, swiping her ID card with the black stripe on it and quickly slipping it into her bra as she disappeared around the corner.

She walked quickly down the hallway, nodding at the various doctors she was passing, muttering things like, “Hi, how are you, god bless, looking good, those scrubs new?” She found an employee elevator, banging on it haphazardly a few times before using her employee ID card to swipe it along the box next to the door. She stepped inside and pressed the “G Floor” button, freezing when another doctor quickly slipped in with her and the doors closed behind them. He pressed his own button, looking at her curiously but not saying anything, and Akane slowly sidestepped to the far wall of the elevator, not making eye contact.

He glanced at her and then cleared his throat, “Lovely weather we’re having in the late fall, huh-?”

“The _best!”_ Akane said nervously, too enthusiastically, before clearing her throat as well and going, “I mean, yeah, it’s nice I guess.” The doctor nodded. The elevator came to his stop and he stepped out, both saying “Bye” to each other and Akane leaned back in relief, sighing. The elevator slid down a couple of more floors before reaching the bottom, screeching to a halt, a cross-barred, metal barrier opening in front of the elevator and revealing a narrow, fluorescently lit hallway, lined with doors. She swallowed and walked tentatively down it, whispering, “Definitely like in a horror movie.”

* * *

“Um, nope!” The doctor pressed his fingers along Aki, him sitting on top of the paper covered table in the small room he was taken into, wincing with pain.

“Nope what?” He demanded.

“Your ankle and foot are all completely fine, barely scratched.”

“Well-” He spluttered, “You must have gotten a shitty education then because check again!” He sighed, waiting for the doctor to check his foot again until he saw his two fathers walk quickly past, one giving him rapid hand signals that didn’t make any sense before quickly disappearing.

“You know what?” Aki said quickly, “Never mind, I feel great—never better! Healthy as a newborn baby.” He jumped off the table and put his shoe back on, hopping towards the door on one-foot, “S-so thanks, and all, for the check-up. Well done, 10/10 would recommend—really well done, good job. God bless the nurses and doctors of Japan.” He quickly ran out of the room, leaving the shocked doctor sitting behind him, and then ran down the hallway. He caught sight of his fathers and caught up to them, rushing down the hallway.

“What, what?” He asked, his orange-haired father leaning in.

“Akane found a way downstairs with one of those ID cards, me and your dad are going to get one, we just need to get into the staff lounge where they keep their coats when the doctors aren’t on call.”

“Okay.” Tobio found the door marked “Staff Lounge”, grabbing the handle and being surprised when it turned loosely, “Unlocked!” He peered in, “And empty!”

“Thank god.” Shouyou pressed himself up against the wall, “Okay, me and Aki will stay on look-out.” His husband slipped into the room quickly, closing it behind him, and the other two looked around the corner, watching for anyone coming.

“When did you and dad get this rebellious?” Akane asked breathlessly, smiling at his father and his father laughed back.

“I don’t know… this is the most fun I’ve had in ten years.”

“Really? Because this is a regular Wednesday for me and Akane.”

“Wait, wait, wait, shh-” Shouyou slapped a hand over his mouth, both straining their ears at the sound of footsteps coming down the hallway. A doctor turned the corner, looking down at his clipboard and both Aki and his father froze. Shouyou leaned in and hissed, “Be a decoy!” Before shoving him forward and then slipping into the staff lounge himself. Aki ran forward quickly, stopping the doctor in his tracks before he got to the door.

“Hi, you’re a doctor, right?”

“I-” He looked down at his white coat before speaking, “Yes?”

“Great! Because I’ve been having some problems recently, I’d love to give you a list so you can think about them, maybe give you a check-up-”

“I’m sorry,” The doctor tried to step around him, “I’m busy right now you’d have to talk to-” Aki stepped in his way, blocking him.

“Great! So, listen, I’ve been having his reoccurring dream, I don’t know if it means anything specific such as stress or- or- autism-”

“Listen, kid-”

“Alright, let my give you a synopsis,” Aki clapped his hand and held out his hand, as if painting a scene as the doctor sighed, “I’m on a flying pirate ship in the sky, but the clouds are floating hamburgers, and none of us are hungry! And there’s a rabbit, a talking grandfather clock, and _mutiny_.”

“Tobio!” Shouyou hissed inside the staff room, peering around the empty room. His husband came from around the racks, wearing a white, lab coat tucked around his shirt and jacket and Shouyou raised his eyebrows.

“Um?”

“I couldn’t figure out how to take the ID off it!” Tobio explained, holding up the card attached to the chest of the coat.

“I- no!” Shouyou giggled, “I like it. It’s… nice.” He walked towards him, smiling, and Tobio raised his eyebrows as well in surprise.

“Nice?”

“Yeah.” Shouyou took the collar of his coat and smoothed it down, “Dr. Kageyama, huh?”

“Ooh, I like it.” He growled, grabbing Shouyou by the waist and bringing him closer, “I think you need a full-body examination.” Shouyou giggled and dipped his hands down the back of Tobio’s shirt right when Aki swung the door open, both jumping apart.

“Oh my- _god_. _”_ He yelped and covered his eyes, “Oh my god!”

“Why aren’t you being decoy?” Shouyou asked.

“He got- paged!” Aki spluttered, waving outside of the door into the hallway while he still kept his eyes covered, “Do you have the card?”

“Yes, Aki, we have the card.” Tobio sighed and they all started to move towards the door. Aki removed the hand from his eyes and sighed, waving them out of the door.

“Yeah, okay, let’s just go- can we go? Let’s just go.”

* * *

Akane slid her ID card into the slot on the door marked “Morgue” in thick, block letters. The box flashed a green light and she heard the heavy bolts in the door move, before pushing it open. Her eyes widened, finding herself in a large, cold, concrete room lined with dozens and dozens of cabinets.

“Oh, shit.” She whispered.

 _“AKANE!”_ There were screams behind her in the hallway and she called back, “Here!” There were footsteps running and echoing in the hallway until the rest of her family appeared at the door, panting slightly. She stared at them.

“Why is dad wearing a doctor’s coat.”

“Oh my,” Tobio whispered, looking up into the room, at the shelves and shelves of metal cabinets. They all walked in and closed the door behind them.

“Any names on them?” Shouyou asked, going up to a cabinet and peering at the letters engraved into it.

“Nope, only numbers of patients.” Akane said back, sighing, “He could be any one of these.”

“Well, we might as well start now.” Shouyou slid open the drawer, finding a large, zippered-up body bag and unzipping it to find the face of an old lady with white hair. They all stared in shock down at the dead body, and Shouyou shrugged.

“Well, that’s definitely not him.”

“Oh my god.” Akane said, eyes wide, “I wish we never came- I wish we never came here- oh my god.”

“They’re so cold but still smell.” Tobio whispered, “Like refrigerated leftovers.”

“I’m gonna-” Aki started to gag and turned away, covering his mouth, “Oh my god-”

“Okay, ALL OF YOU,” Shouyou started, “SUCK IT UP-” He wrinkled up his face, “Oh Jesus, that really does smell. Okay, here we go,” He took the garbage bag from Aki he was holding and went in it, bringing out small dish towels and handing them to each family member, “this will help the smell.”

They all groaned and wrapped them around their faces, tying them as their father gave muffled orders.

“Okay, me and Tobio will cover this wall, Aki and Akane, the other. Let us know when you find him, keep a mental log of the ones you’ve checked and- and breathe through your mouth.” They all let out depressed, guttural, “Ay ay”s before moving to their designated areas of the wall. They each opened a drawer, sliding it open and unzipping the bag before zipping it back up and sliding it back.

They all let out small, disgusted, “Ugh”s and “Oh, god”s every time a bag was unzipped, until they stopped after the first few, getting used to them. Aki opened bag after bag, rambling to himself in a low voice, muffled behind his cloth.

“For Dad.” He whispered, unzipping another one, discovering a bearded, older man, “For Dad—we love Dad. I love Dad. This is for Dad. And he loves me, I- I think.” He unzipped another one, and gagged a little, “He missed my eighth birthday but it was for a good cause… he used to… used to throw balls for me to catch,” He opened up another drawer, “until he started to throw them _at_ me… he helped me with my homework… only up until seventh grade and then he couldn’t after. He taught me how to put on a condom… even though that skill never came in use.” Aki unzipped the bag and uncovered a young girl, dried blood caked around her mouth and nose, and his eyes widened and he stilled in shock, “He... he…” Aki turned around and screamed at his father, “DAD! I HATE YOU, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS!”

“WHAT?!” His father screamed back, eyes watering from the surrounding smell.

“T- this sucks!” Aki wiped his own eyes, close to crying, “I hate this and I hate you! Why can’t you just let Pop-Pop go?!”

“Your grandfather was a very important person in my life!” Tobio snapped back, both of their voices muffled by the towels covering their mouths as their other two family members ignored them, “He was my _father_ , so maybe you-”

“YOUR _FATHER,”_ Aki screamed back, counting off his fingers, “WAS A HOMOPHOBIC, SEXIST, ABUSIVE, TRANSPHOBIC, RACIST PIECE OF TRASH WITH A ONE IN A MILLION HEART THAT _YOU_ ARE HOARDING!”

“YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH-” They started to get into a hitting fight, throwing catty slaps while spitting muffled insults back and forth, Akane sighing and watching in the distance.

“Fucking, ungrateful brat-”

“Stupid, fucking lab coat, I HATE YOU!”

“I HATE YOU BACK!”

“Eugh-”

“You ruined my sex life-”

“YOU RUINED MY ACTUAL LIFE!”

“Found him!” Shouyou called from the other side of the room, looking down at a slid-out drawer, “I found the son of a bitch.” They all rushed over, Aki and Tobio pushing each other on the way, and crowded around the slid-out drawer. They looked down at Tobio’s father’s face, eyes closed and slightly tranquil looking.

Akane smiled, “He looks like he’s at peace.” Shouyou smiled back and put an arm around his daughter’s shoulder.

“Hell must be nice and warm during this time of the year.”

“Let’s just get him out of this body bag.” Tobio said quickly, unzipping it all the way, forgetting his father was completely naked and they all whipped their heads away.

“WHOA!”

“OKAY.”

“Oh, god.” Akane rubbed her eyes, “I can’t believe the first, live penis I see in my life belongs to my grandpa.”

“Ugh,” Shouyou quickly helped his husband zip the bag back up, “as a father that sentence is actually comforting for me, sweetie. Hand me the bag, Aki.” Aki quickly got the large, black garbage bag they brought with them, handing it to his father who tucked it around the body bag.

“There. Totally can’t tell there’s a body in there. Could be anything-”

“Can we make it anything?” Akane asked miserably, “Like… like candy, or something?”

“Yeah, baby, okay.” Shouyou nodded sympathetically, “It’s just a big… garbage bag of candy. Definitely not a body.” He looked up at his husband’s face, stone-faced and looking kind of odd as he stared down at the bag. Shouyou reached over to rub his shoulder, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yup. Let’s just go, come on.”

“Yes, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Shouyou agreed, “Alright, I’ll take the head, Akane the feet, Aki and Tobio the sides.” They all got to their positions, groaning at the smell and he sighed, “Here we go, we’re doing this, this is happening.”

They all lifted up at the same time with loud groans, Aki shouting out, “Oh my god-” as they struggled with his weight.

“He’s a fucking- ninety year old man, why is he the weight of a baby orca?” He demanded loudly, Shouyou next to him swearing.

“Okay, fuck, ho boy.”

“Let’s just take it slow.” Tobio said, as they started to move towards the door, Akane moving backwards and kicking the door open. They eventually made their way down the narrow hallway, grunting and groaning until they pressed the button and waited for the doors open. They piled in and gingerly leaned the heavy garbage bag against the wall. Tobio pressed the button.

“Eighth floor.” He explained, “I heard from someone that it was undergoing light construction and apparently unoccupied. But it also has access to one of the upper ground parking lots—so Shou can go pull the car around, and me and the kids will carry him out.”

“Got it.” Shouyou nodded. The light on next to the elevator door flashed, showing that it was coming to a stop, and they all froze.

“T- that’s not the button Dad pressed!” Akane squeaked, “Why is it coming to a stop.”

“Just relax, relax.” Tobio hissed, “Someone else needs to use the elevator, it’s okay.”

“Candy, kids.” Shouyou said gruffly, both of them standing in front of the bag as if to block it from view, “Just a big bag of candy.”

Tobio looked down at his badge, the picture ID on it looking very different from him and he hissed, “Fuck,” before trying to tear it off but failing, just flipping it instead.

The elevator doors opened and they all froze, a doctor in a white coat looking very much like Tobio’s nodding and smiling at them while holding a clipboard, clicking his pen rapidly and looking down at it before leaning against the wall inside the elevator. The Hinata family stood stone still, some of them visibly sweating as they tried their best to look natural. Aki breathed heavily with his nose, staring ahead of him with wide eyes and Akane hit him in his side.

“Stop breathing so hard.” She whispered. The doctor looked up from his clipboard and over at them, eyes wavering curiously over the large bag and the family and they all robotically turned to him, forcing smiles. He drew back, looking a little alarmed but smiled and nodded anyways.

“How you all doing?”

They nodded and smiled back, murmuring, “Good.” “Awesome.”

“How are you,” Aki asked loudly, “fellow, law-abiding citizen? Ow!” His father reached over to slap him on the back of his head. The doctor nodded to the bag.

“What’s in the bag?”

They all flinched sharply, freezing before all blurting out answers at the time, talking over one another in nervous, quick answers.

“Candy-”

“Volleyballs, tons of balls-”

“Maps, just piles and piles of maps-”

“Meat!”

“We got Mike and Ikes, we got Smarties-”

“Some blown up, some deflated-”

“Most of them are just of Japan but we have some international ones too-”

“Any kind of animal, you got it! Just not horse, that would be weird.”

“I wished we had twizzlers but we don’t-”

“Gas station maps- you could find any gas station in Japan, you name it.”

“Not monkey either, that’d also weird.”

“Lots of… balls…”

They eventually all stopped talking, realizing their mistake and frozen in shock while staring in horror at him for his reaction, the doctor staring at them with wide eyes, his eyes flicking to the bag. They all stood still in silence, transfixed in horror, staring, until the elevator door opened with a ‘bing’ and the doctor looked away slowly and prepared to step out-

“HE KNOWS TOO MUCH!” Aki screamed and shoved the doctor roughly to the floor, making a mad dash out of the elevator as his father followed and his other one jumped up, grabbing his father’s body and lugging the bag over his shoulder, carrying him out and running after the other two. Akane slid her hands over every button on the elevator, lighting them all up before dashing out quickly after her family, the doctor scrambling on the floor and yelling as the doors closed in his face.

“SHOUYOU, THE CAR!” Tobio hollered after his husband who yelled back, “Right!” and sprinted down the hallway, sliding on the floor underneath a bed rolling by before scrambling back up and racing around the corner towards the exit.

“Yeah, Dad!” Aki cheered. His father next to him swore, struggling with bag.

“Shit, shit, shit,” All three of them quickly grabbed it and made their way down the hallway as quickly as they could while carrying the body, their father hissing at them to go faster. People in the hallway stared, watching the older man in the lab coat and two younger kids, one of them in a candy-striper outfit, run down the hallway with a long, large garbage bag, no one doing anything but all of them watching in alarm.

“No one’s asking questions, let’s just move!” Tobio hissed fiercely, “Let’s just go, let’s go-” They got cut off by an old lady, moving very slowly down the hallway and they ground to a halt, groaning.

“Oh my god-”

“Lady- miss, please excuse us-”

“Miss, please move, oh my god, please move-”

They all pushed past her, bumping into her and knocking her cane out of her hand as they apologized guiltily while moving.

“Sorry!”

“So sorry-”

“ _Ngh_ -” Aki let out, “I’m so sorry.” They all moved past her and he guiltily stopped.

“Oh god, we can’t leave her like that.” He ran back, picking up her cane for her and handing it back to her. By now everyone in the hallway was staring, Akane and Tobio struggling to move with the bag by themselves as they glanced around nervously. His sister hissed.

“Aki!”

“I’m sorry,” Aki apologized again to the lady, bending down to talk to her and making sure she was steady, “how are you? Good? Great, lovely cane. That oak?”

“AKI.”

“Have a good day,” Aki turned back around to join his family but instead bumped into the corner of the wall, hitting himself in the eye and falling backwards as he grabbed his face.

“Holy _fuck_.” Akane said, looking down at him.

“EUGH- THAT HURT!”

“Aki,” Tobio growled, “we cannot carry two bodies, get the fuck up more people are staring now.”

“Sir?” A nurse appeared around the end of the hallway, calling them, “You three, sir!”

“Move, move, move-” Tobio whispered while Aki stumbled to his feet and all three of them ran as fast as they could while carrying the bag. They burst out of the exit door, right when two nurses started to run towards them, yelling after them. They shut the door behind them and set down the body. Tobio grabbed the large, metal garbage bin next to the door, placing it in front of the door as a barrier. Fists pounded on it, bumping it open briefly a crack right when there was a screech of tires behind them. Shouyou brought the car around, slamming to a stop and rolling down the window to scream, “GET IN!”

“Okay, okay,” They picked up the body again and carried it to the trunk, opening up the back door and placing it in. They tried to close the door, catching it on Tobio’s father’s foot and he swore.

“FUCK!”

“Just shove it in,” Shouyou said quickly, calling from behind, “I mean him, just shove him in.” Tobio put his father in vertical instead, slamming the trunk door as they all loaded into the car, Aki shouting, “Go, go, go, go, go-” Shouyou started the engines and turned around, just when the garbage can got knocked over and two nurses and a doctor ran out, watching them drive away.

“HAHA!” Tobio rolled down the window and hung his finger, “NOT GETTING THIS HEART TODAY, FUCKERS! MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK TWICE BEFORE MESSING WITH THE KAGEYAM- _Shit!”_ His hand hit the parking meter on the way out, Shouyou flying by and through the exit barrier.

“Fuck, Shouyou!”

“Sorry!” He cut through several lanes, zigzagging back and forth between lines of cars to get to the front and Akane and Aki rocked in the backseat.

“Whoa-”

“Can you go slower?” Akane asked nervously, pushing away the bottom of the bag from her face, “Pop-Pop is literally kicking me right now.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie, once we get on the highway we’ll be fine.” Shouyou called back, fixing his rear-view mirror. Akane whined and pushed her grandfather away, making him land on Aki’s shoulder.

“Oh my god-” He scrabbled away from the bag spilling into his seat, “OH MY GOD!”

“What’s going on back there?!”

“POP-POP IS ON ME!” Aki screamed dramatically, flailing in his seat and pushing away the falling bag, “HE’S ON ME! POP-POP’S ON TOP OF ME! AHHHH-”

“AKI, CALM DOWN!”

“AHHHHHHHHHH-”

“SHUT UP!”

“I’M PULLING OVER!” Shouyou exclaimed, turning the wheel sharply but his husband stopped him.

“YOU CAN’T, YOU’RE ON A HIGHWAY!”

Shouyou swore, swerving sharply and turning the wheel haphazardly as he dodged a slowing down car in the lane ahead of him, cutting into the next one and going around it.

“Oh my god, DAD?!” Akane screeched from the back.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Shouyou apologized, looking up in the mirror and behind him at the sound of sirens, flashing lights in the distance and he swore, “Shhhhit. Shit. Shit.”

“J- just calm down, Shou, it’ll be fine.” Tobio turned back around, “Akane?”

“Got it covered.” She pulled a blanket from the seat while Aki desperately pushed his grandfather’s body off him. They stuffed it in the back, throwing a blanket over to cover it and then all tried to calm their breathing as Shouyou slowed to a stop and pulled off the highway onto a nearby shoulder.

Tobio turned to his husband and whispered as the police car pulled up from behind them and an officer stepped out, “Just breathe. Breathe. We’re just a family, going a little too fast because we’re on a rush… to…”

“Our grandfather’s funeral!” Aki suggested.

“Great, good job. Now maybe this time we can actually get our fucking story straight and say the same one this time.”

Shouyou took a deep breathe, “Relax,” He whispered to himself, “be cool.” The officer tapped on the window and the entire family jumped before Shouyou calmly rolled down the window, slowly, in silence. He leaned on the car door and smiled up at him.

“Can I officer you, help?” He spluttered as his entire family rolled their eyes, “I- I mean- I mean… can I help you, off-”

“You know how fast you were going?”

“I- yes.” Shouyou nodded, “We’re sorry, we’re on a hurry to my father in law’s funeral.”

The officer peered curiously at the family, “None of you are dressed in black.” They all sat in silence and looked at each other in shock. Akane kicked her brother, mouthing curse words at him for coming up with such a poor excuse.

“I- I- yeah,” Shouyou said, “that’s why we were in a rush, we have to go home and change.”

“You all one family?” He asked, leaning in to look, and Shouyou nodded nervously.

“There is definitely just… four family members in here.” He flinched, his husband kicking his feet under his seat. The officer nodded.

“Where’d you come from? The hospital?”

“What, why?” Shouyou said quickly, “Why would you say that. Why. Why would you just assume-”

“Your husband is wearing a doctor’s coat and your daughter is dressed like a… nurse?”

Shouyou turned to look at his daughter, “R- right, well, the thing is, we were just at a costume party! That’s why.”

“Me and my daughter’s were matching, officer.” Tobio explained while leaning in, “We were doing a father-daughter duo kind of thing.”

“Huh, cute.” The officer nodded. He looked at Aki and Shouyou, dressed in regular clothes and jackets, “What are you two dressed up as?”

They swallowed, staring, until Akane spoke up cheerfully, smiling, “Assholes.” A silence settled around the car and Aki and Shouyou turned slowly to glare at her.

Shouyou turned back and cleared his throat, quietly saying, “Uh, yeah. What she said: assholes.”

“So,” The officer frowned in confusion, “you’re going directly from a costume party to a funeral, is that right?” Shouyou opened his mouth wordlessly before closing it and smiling.

“Yup, that’s right. We’re a real… wild family.”

“That’s just how we roll.” Aki said.

“Alright,” The officer sighed, “just be more careful, watch your speed. I won’t keep you all any longer, but next time you won’t get off with just a warning.”

Shouyou nodded earnestly, “Yes, we understand, thank you, officer.”

“Have a good night,” He nodded, turning to the other family members, “sorry for your loss.” They all nodded back and murmured thanks, looking miserably down and Aki sniffed loudly for extra performance.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“Real shock.”

“We’re in deep mourning.”

The officer started to walk back, getting in his car and closing the door. After a few seconds they watched him drive past and up the highway, and they all let go of a breath they had been holding in in unison.

Shouyou turned to look at his husband, “Crematorium?”

“Yup.”

He started the car, pulling from the shoulder onto the highway. They drove at a regular speed in silence, not a word shared between them as the stench of flesh gathered in the car and they stared miserably out of their respective windows. Tobio spoke out loud after a while.

“Well, I think we all learned a lesson.”

“That this outfit’s super uncomfortable?” Akane asked.

“That morgues are the smelliest and most depressing places in the world?” Aki asked.

“That we can never show our face in that hospital again and now have to go to the one three miles away from home?” Shouyou asked.

“Nope!” Tobio said, “That death is a natural part of life, and inevitable, and you have to be careful what you wish for in your minds and always said under your breath, because you might actually get it one day.”

“Thanks for the lesson, Pussycat Dolls.” Akane said.

“You heard us talk under our breath?” Aki said in shock. Tobio chuckled.

“I heard you say ‘kill’ and ‘die’ under your breath repeatedly when Pop-Pop was staying over that one weekend.”

“…Oh.”

“And now you’re carrying his dead body and probably wishing he’s still alive so you didn’t have to go through all of this,” Tobio shrugged, “the cycle of life and death has a funny way of being ironic.”

Shouyou shook his head, watching the road ahead of him, “Um, nope.”

“What?”

“Pretty sure that’s not irony.”

“Uh, yes it is?”

“No it isn’t. That’s just a sequence of shitty events. I’m pretty sure we didn’t actually learn anything.”

“Well I think we di-”

“Nope.”

They drove in silence for the rest of the car ride. 

* * *

The Hinatas stood on top of a hill, overlooking their part of town as they huddled together on the flat, rock surface, trees in distance. They were layered in winter clothing, Akane wearing a thick vest over her sweater, Tobio and Shouyou with hats tucked over their heads and coats on, and Aki’s hood up and over his head, shivering with his hands in his pockets. Tobio carried the glass jar with him, ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ written on it and filled to the brim with dark ashes. His daughter leaned into his side as he held out the jar.

“Well, Dad,” He said, looking down at the jar while his family squinted in the bright sunlight and watched him, “I’ve never been one for speeches and talking, you know that, so I’m going to try and keep this short.”

“And thank god for that.” Aki said, “It’s colder than a midnight bathroom trip toilet seat in the middle of February.” His father next to him giggled, but Tobio just continued.

“I, uh… you weren’t the kindest person, or the most accepting person.” Shouyou and Aki sent each other looks, “You always said bullying creates character and personality… and that is literally not true.” His other family members shook their head in agreement, some murmuring, “Not true.” “Nope.”

“But between all the bigotry and naked favouritism for family members,” Tobio smiled down at the jar, “I actually learned a few valuable lessons in there. And you were always homophobic but you were never homophobic to me, so, thanks for that, Poppa.” He sighed and looked up in the sun as his daughter rubbed his back and leaned on him, “And I don’t know how successful you were in any of the wars you fought in… but you probably wiped out a lot of Nazis and pissed off a lot of Germans in your time… and I actually think that’s worth something.” Everyone else cocked their head and then nodded in agreement.

“So… thank you for everything, Poppa. You taught me not to be like yourself, and I think that’s the greatest lesson any son can receive. I’m proud to call you my father.” He sniffed and smiled down at the jar, “We’ll miss you, old man.” He looked up at Shouyou and Akia and then said, “Well... I’ll miss you.”

Shouyou smiled and walked over, rubbing his neck and kissing his cheek as he whispered, “That was nice, baby.” Tobio drew Aki closer and wound an arm around his neck, kissing the top of his head.

“Okay, so,” Akane said, “what now?”

“We release the ashes.” Tobio said, smiling, “And I think I know the perfect two candidates to do it.” He handed the jar in between Shouyou and Aki, smiling expectantly up at them and they blinked down at it.

“Wait… us?” Shouyou asked.

“I told you I’d make it up to you one day.” Tobio said, “So, this is it. I got my closure, it’s time you got yours.”

“C- can we do it any way we want?” Aki asked curiously, raising an eyebrow. His father nodded. Aki and Shouyou looked at each other before shrugging and saying, “Okay.” They both took the large, glass jar of ashes, walking over to the edge of the mountain as Tobio casually drew Akane away.

Aki and Shouyou sent each other telepathic messages, sharing a small smile before they slowly held the jar up high, and dropped it. The glass shattered on the rock surface, pieces scattering as a huge cloud of ash rose into the air. Akane gasped in shock before coughing wildly, and Tobio started coughing as well, covering his mouth. He grabbed his daughter and brought her up into his chest to cover her and she wrapped her arms around his body.

“HAHA!” Aki screamed, both him and Shouyou stepping on the ashes, kicking them up into the air, stomping on top of them as they spat curse words and shouted.

“Stupid, fucking piece of shit-”

“Yeah, I fucked your son!”

“Who’s the fake pocket watch now?”

“Fuck you-”

“Fucker!”

“Don’t look, baby.” Tobio said calmly to his daughter in between coughs, her face buried in his chest, “Don’t look. And don’t inhale, baby, don’t breathe him in.”

* * *

The Hinatas drove home in their car, Tobio driving, Akane sitting in the back, shocked and slightly disgusted as she kept her distance and stared at the other two. Aki and Shouyou smiled creepily out of their windows, they hadn’t stopped since they got in the car, and their faces and fronts of their clothes were coated with a sheet of black ash they never wiped off.

Tobio turned to his husband with a ghost of an amused smile on his face, “Worth it?” He asked. Shouyou nodded eagerly, eyes wide and slightly deranged looking.

“Oh yeah.” He said, coughing once after. He leaned over to turn on the radio, the song filling the car.

_“Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want…”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> more to come of the other actual lovechildren and not just kagehina, I just wanted to spit this one out quickly before I get to my other writing  
> I'm sorry for the blunt racism and morbidity, this one was too fun to write :3


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